Age: 27
Hair: Black with Red Streaks
Height: 5’6
Method: The Chair Line
Advancement: Always leaving them wanting more
It’s funny that I’m in the same exact spot I was a little over 18 hours ago: a coffee shop doing some writing. Only last night, I was unaware of it being open-mic night. Instead of the local beer that is occasionally on tap, I’m drinking a coffee that I have put very little sugar in and a douchey professional is on the other end of my four-person table. I’m the criminal who never learned the lesson of not returning to the scene of the crime.
I was unsuccessfully attempting to do some work when a long strand of teenagers warbling tone-deaf versions of Katy Perry, Oasis, Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes or any other song you’ve probably heard while confined in karaoke or open-mic night. Eventually, this cute little hipster girl comes up to me and asks if she can borrow my chair. And a light bulb goes off.
Now, the chair line was introduced to me by one of my best friends. How it works is very simple. A pretty girl comes up to you and she asks, “Hey are you using this chair?” It is a pretty common occurrence that you will find yourself in. How you reply is crucial. You give her some variation of the following.
Oh no, I’m sorry you can’t have this one, I’m attached to it, but you can have that one.
I don’t know how or why, but this sadly this works. Every. Single. Time. One hundred percent of the time you will get a giggle from said girl. I never understood why it worked for my friend, but this project is about doing things I wouldn’t normally do. So I use the line. And, like always, it elicits a giggle and a half-smile.
So, I sit there and I keep attempting to write in vain, since I constantly steal glances at this bird, only to look away when occasionally caught. If you have gone to middle school, you are entirely familiar with the practice.
Twenty minutes goes by and this girl steps up to the mic, and I’m intrigued enough to not even pretend to be writing anymore. I close the laptop. When she comes over again, I tell her that she wasn’t half bad.
Is that supposed to be a compliment?
Well you took the chair from me, I’m still a little hurt
Insert another giggle and some more talking. I asked if she wanted to get some fresh air. So we took a little walk before she asked me if I had a light. I give her the light and she took a puff and then started to kiss me. This proceeds for a few minutes and was going on some variation of a warm temperature and a weight that isn’t light. Then it happens.
She stops. She tells me that she should probably get back. Her friend is waiting for her, and she hopes to see me back at the coffee shop, but I kind of already gathered my stuff…and didn’t want to walk back. I just asked for her number. I’m not going to be clamoring for an encore.
